Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
#Caturday
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.