Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe


Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.


Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times


Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.


Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.


Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.


I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.


my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him


is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?


*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*