@reallifemommy3 Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
@TheDjinnTrials Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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@reallifemommy3 
@UNDEADTRESOR Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
@D2BMcG Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
@mortimermaiden Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
@amitj002 Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
@LoveNLunchmeat I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
@kevinthedad my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
@morrisjr77 is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
@SortaBad *Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*