Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
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Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.