customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
You Might Also Like
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
adam and eve had first world problems
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras