CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
How do you like your Corgi?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My wedding will be open casket.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?