@brennadine

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

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@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@WheelTod

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

@AnniemuMary

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

@TheToddWilliams

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

@buttsword

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

@Brianhopecomedy

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

@1par8head

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary