cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Saturday
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters