cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Have a lovely day 😊
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
it must be school picture day
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.