Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6