cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
is this how new cars are made??
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
english majors be like furthermore
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.