CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”