CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I have a black belt in leather
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Breaking news:
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Remember folks 😂
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.