[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.