Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
LOL
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.