Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
🏙👨🏼
#Caturday
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day