Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
OH. COME. ON.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!