Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.