@radtoria

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

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@spaceboyriley

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

@liljonlovitz

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@wildethingy

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

@ArfMeasures

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

@MiddlingMs

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

@BumbleDC

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

@BDGarp

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

@markydoodoo

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.