Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar