Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
You Might Also Like
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Time heals everything 🙂
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.