Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray