Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter