Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Hitlers gonna hitl
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.