*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.