[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle