Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
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If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”