Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Happy Febuary everyone!

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

Breaking news:

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.