*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
When news reporters do sports stories
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.