Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
A short story of betrayal:
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker