*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
How all things should be taught/explained.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.