CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Would you wear it?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…