CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
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If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.