CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.