CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
“do you like string?”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Reasonable prices
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.