Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.