CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
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[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
These are too funny not to post 😂
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified