CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Still my favourite meme.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*