CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”