Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Life is a suicide mission.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.