CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Who says great literature is dead?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
We’ve all been there…
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.