CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he