CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I was up all night reading about insomnia
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”