CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
? 💀
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.