CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I am HOWLING at this
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.