CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
You Might Also Like
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I cannot stop laughing at this
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.