CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
what the hell pray for carter everyone
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian