Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher