Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.


Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?


Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that


Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving


Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*


[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest


Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy


A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!


Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes