Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end