@trevso_electric One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
@CulturedRuffian Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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@trevso_electric 
@thepunningman [interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
@YSylon Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
@stevevsninjas Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
@pantless_papple [science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
@ItsAndyRyan Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
@lostinhist0ry Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
@DjJazzyJeffro A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
@flashember Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes