Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.