da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
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Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.