“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids