Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry