“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
This sounds bad:
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.