“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.